Self-Compassion: The Second Wing of Meditation

patrikharbusch
27. Aug. 2024
4 Min. Lesezeit

"The practice of meditation has two wings. The wing of mindfulness allows us to see what is acutally happening in the present moment without judgement. The other wing is compassion–our capacity to relate in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. "

Tara Brach

In challenging times, self-compassion is crucial. Many of us tend to be overly critical of ourselves when things go wrong, often driven by evolutionary survival mechanisms, psychological beliefs, and societal conditioning. We might think that pushing ourselves harder is the only way to achieve our goals. However, while this approach might work in the short term, it can have long-term negative consequences, including shame, performance pressure, and a reduced capacity for learning.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, as described by the pioneering researcher and teacher Kristin Neff, is the practice of turning compassion inward to support ourselves in moments of pain, stress, or difficulty. It involves acknowledging our suffering with mindfulness, treating ourselves with kindness and care like a good friend, and recognizing that imperfection is a shared human experience. Unlike self-esteem, which is often dependent on external achievements, self-compassion is about accepting ourselves, flaws and all, without the need for external validation.

Understanding the Difference: Self-Compassion vs. Self-Pity

It's important to differentiate self-compassion from self-pity. While self-compassion is about staying open and supportive of ourselves, self-pity often involves identifying too strongly with our struggles and falling into a victim mentality. When we practice self-compassion, we offer ourselves the same care and support we would give a good friend. This practice empowers us to find constructive responses to challenges rather than getting stuck in a cycle of self-criticism or despair.

The Interplay of Mindfulness and Compassion

Mindfulness and self-compassion go hand in hand. When difficulties arise, mindfulness allows us to recognize and accept what we're feeling without getting swept away by it. However, without the warmth of compassion, mindfulness alone can sometimes feel harsh or insufficient in the face of pain. Compassion provides the kindness needed to hold difficult experiences gently, allowing us to soften and surrender into them rather than resist.

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

There are now more than 4,000 studies on the topic, with more being published every day. Research shows that self-compassion can significantly improve our ability to deal with emotions such as fear, sadness, and uncertainty. It helps us stay present with what is, rather than becoming overwhelmed. In addition, the positive emotions associated with self-compassion increase our overall sense of joy and well-being.

Transforming Our Relationship with Challenges

Many of us have learned from our families and society that we must meet certain standards in order to be loved and accepted. This can lead to perfectionism and a constant undercurrent of feeling "not enough." As psychologist Carl Rogers observed, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." Recognizing this, we can begin to shift from self-judgment to self-compassion—making changes from a place of care rather than criticism.

Self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our difficulties without being consumed by them. Instead of avoiding pain or discomfort, we learn to stay present with it in a supportive way. This doesn't mean we try to make the pain go away but rather that we meet it with mindfulness and kindness, accepting that things are difficult right now. This acceptance can be transformative, changing our relationship with challenges from one of resistance to one of well-being.

Common Misconceptions About Self-Compassion

Many people, especially men, mistakenly view self-compassion as a sign of weakness. In reality, self-compassion is a source of strength and resilience. Those who practice it are better able to face difficulties because they have an inner ally to rely on.

Others fear that self-compassion will lead to a lack of motivation or indulgence in unhealthy behaviors. However, studies show that self-compassion actually reduces the fear of failure and fosters a caring, rather than fearful, motivation to improve.

Another common misconception is that self-compassion is selfish or self-centered, as if taking care of yourself interferes with taking care of others. But the opposite is true. When we practice self-compassion, we actually increase our ability to care for others. Like the advice to put on your own oxygen mask first in an airplane emergency, taking care of ourselves through self-compassion ensures that we are better equipped to help those around us without burning out.

Building a Practice of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a skill that can be cultivated through practice. Mindfulness naturally increases self-compassion, but for many of us, it needs to be practiced more explicitly. This involves changing our inner attitudes and making self-compassion a habit. We can start with small steps, such as pausing and practicing a self-compassion break when facing a difficult situation by applying mindfulness, a sense of shared humanity, and kindness.

The self-compassion mantra that I have come up with when I am facing a difficult or painful situation is the following: This feels unpleasant right now (mindfulness). This is a normal part of life, and I am not alone in this (common humanity). May I be kind to myself in this moment (kindness). I might need to repeat this a few times when the difficult feeling comes up again, but after some time I will experience a softening that allows me to better hold what is challenging with less resistance.

The important part of the practice is remembering to use it, because we are often least mindful when we are in the middle of the storm. But with some patience and repetition, feelings of discomfort can become an almost automatic trigger for applying self-compassion and mindfulness to whatever is present.

Finding Refuge Within

Self-compassion is neither weak nor indulgent. It is a powerful, research-backed practice that increases resilience, motivation, and overall well-being, while allowing us to extend care to others without depleting ourselves.

When we tap into the kind and open quality of self-compassion, what comes and goes in our lives becomes less important. We discover a deeper refuge within ourselves and realize that we are much more than our worries, anger, or jealousy. As Walt Whitman wrote, "I am larger, better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness."